What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
