I love black thongs
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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