yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
