i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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