This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
