Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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