Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
