A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sober January is a disaster.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
