did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Gay?
German.
Pity.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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