I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
