Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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