I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
