I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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