Your tits are I can't wait for
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
