Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
