I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I am one with the molecules
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
