haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
