I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
