we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think my moral compass just broke
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
