im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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