this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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