Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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