I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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