finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
