i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Two words: nipple clamps
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