She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
