Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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