I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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