at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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