Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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