I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize