He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
