I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
