i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
