After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
