I should be sponsored by Trojan
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
