I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i was born a porn star she said
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
