What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
