you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
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