I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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