Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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