Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
