I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize