Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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