I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
