I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
