my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have post one night stand depression
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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