i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
