I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
