Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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