You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
