I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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