You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
