so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
