I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
