Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
