oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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