dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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