guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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